“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job