A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
how many bears make up a bear minimum
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The French word for sex is croissant.