[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.