ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Netflix and awkward silence?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*