Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans