When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me