“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.