“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
waiting for halloween be like:
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?