Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?