I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
choose your gary
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.