i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I didn’t come here to be called names
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth