beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Happy Star Wars day!
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…