Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
That’s classic.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister