My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
somebody come look at this
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Raisins are grape jerky.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
these two trucks have the same bed length
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.