Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.