Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money