My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
You Might Also Like
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
men, we mow at sunrise.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.