Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Oceanography is all about current events
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow