Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.