*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland