Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The glockness monster
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist