You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
wait.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.