My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
You Might Also Like
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
figuring out my emotional availability:
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
o shit
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no