Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
You Might Also Like
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My dad.