I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms