You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”