Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.