Me too door. Me too.
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀