The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.