[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
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The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.