He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare