soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.