Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.