When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Jail
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.