My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.