*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync