One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
<—- homeless romantic
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
A ghost story
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”