If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/