Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.