hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.