me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.