My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.