How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks