*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot