Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I did not eat the cake…
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?