I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.