I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I only look at Wordle for the articles
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude