My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
You Might Also Like
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.