At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?