Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
You Might Also Like
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.